How to stop people taking advantage of you
Is this you?
You’ve been pushed way, way beyond your limits. You know perfectly well that the other person is taking advantage of you.
You want to explode. You can feel the words rising up in your throat and getting stuck there.
But something stops the words from getting out.
Because there’s too much at stake, you might lose your job, or this person’s love/friendship or some other advantage that hinges on you being pleasant to them.
And so you find yourself smiling and saying it’s quite OK.
Are You Being Too Nice?
It often boils down to one simple thing. They know that you won’t lash back at them.
Because YOU’RE FAR TOO NICE.
The Curse of Being Too Nice
Niceness is a curse and also an asset. I know this too well, as I’ve spent my whole life being nice.
But these days, people rarely take advantage of me because I have a kind of edge. And so I rarely am confronted in this way. So I don’t have to bring out the blazing guns.
And people still perceive me as nice. I wish they wouldn’t use that word, but they do. But my niceness is just coming from a different place.
It comes from a genuine warmth of heart. It’s the enjoyment of giving to others because it makes me feel good. As a result, I have attracted many amazing things into my life. Wonderful friends, opportunities and invitations because people like being around me and giving to me.
And although I am a natural giver, I receive back in equal measure. This is very different from the old days. In fact, these days, I probably receive more than I give. And I don’t have to do anything to get it or get people to give to me. It just happens.
Why People Take Advantage of You
However, there is a particular kind of niceness that will stop other people from giving to you. In fact, it makes them take from you even more.
And it’s not that they’re being nasty or manipulating you. In fact, they may be absolutely wonderful people. But they’re picking up on a broadcast that you’re unconsciously putting out to the world. So this is a little bit like a radio station that tells the world to switch off and to stop listening.
So it’s important, obviously, to stop that broadcast.
If it were that easy, you’d do it immediately. But anything to do with an unconscious pattern is far from easy to break.
In this short article, I hope to give you some keys as to how you can break the cycle of giving without receiving. I know from experience this can be very painful.
The Mask of Niceness
For many, many years, my niceness was a curse. The scenario I described at the beginning of this article was a pretty regular occurrence. Although I often came away from those situations feeling that I’d come out looking better. After all, I was the nice one. The one who was being generous or more understanding or tolerant.
That gave me a slight feeling of superiority because I would never stoop to such emotionally manipulative behaviour.
But I also had a sickening feeling in my stomach. The more appropriate reaction would have been to tell the other person where to get off.
Not just because I knew I was being “taken for a ride”. But because my niceness had become a kind of habit.
It’s what people expected of me and what I expected of myself. And I couldn’t behave in any other way.
I was trapped behind the MASK OF NICENESS. It also meant I had been stuffing down my feelings for years. I knew it wasn’t doing me any good. And I also knew that if I did express how I felt, the other person would get much more than they bargained for.
Because after years of stuffing my feelings down, there was a huge build-up of resentment.
The Volcano Within
In fact, there was a volcano full of feelings just waiting to explode inside me.
This is what lay behind my MASK OF NICENESS. Most of them Rage, Anger, Frustration and Resentment.
But I never exploded. Most of the nice people that I work with don’t either.
When You “Have To” Be Nice
Because the fact is there are many, many situations in your life when you “have to be nice”. When you have to stuff your feelings down, there can be lots of benefits to doing that. And if you can do it in the right way, then it can actually fuel your progress.
Successful people know how to do this and have made it into an art form. The important thing is to have a place to discharge the feelings that can build up over time, and create toxins in the system and a host of other problems.
Repressed emotion is a complex subject but if you want to stop being too nice and to stop people from taking advantage of you, you want to know how to release your repressed emotion. See my article where I explore this in more depth: The Volcano Within: How Repressed Emotion is Damaging your Confidence?
How to Stop Being too Nice
The Russian story of the Baba Yaga has much to teach us about Being Too Nice.
The much-too-nice Vasalissa allows her stepmother and stepsisters to push her around. She becomes a Cinderella to them as I did in my younger years because I was afraid of upsetting other people and I wanted them to like me.
That is, until she has to face the Baba Yaga – a hag who is far from nice and would eat her up if given a chance.
The characters in such stories are universal and express different aspects of ourselves. Therefore the Baba Yaga is the part of you that takes you either to freedom or self-destruction.
Vasilisa has to face the Baba Yaga. She uses parts of her niceness to do that. But she also stands up to the Baba Yaga and in doing so she finds her Authentic Voice.
Read the full story of Vasalissa and the Baba Yaga
The Path to Finding Your Authentic Voice
Vasilisa is the part of you, therefore, that steps out of any habitual way of behaving. This could be being too nice, playing the victim or being caught up in an addiction.
As a reward, the Baba Yaga gives her the burning skull, which burns up her stepmother and stepsisters when she takes it home. Vasilisa doesn’t have to do anything to achieve this. She does not inflict any violence on any of them. The sheer power of the Baba Yaga’s gift burns them up because it is their own malevolence that is consuming them.
If you embrace the Baba Yaga in you, your inauthentic niceness will simply dissolve.
Your life will begin to take on a completely different quality.
You will feel more authentic, more real and you will notice that people are treating you with respect.
The Sunflower Effect
The most powerful way of doing this is through drama – in particular, the adapted drama we use in the Sunflower Effect®. This is a safe way to release your repressed emotions and the broadcast that you’re unconsciously putting out to the world.
These are the words of a participant after she had embraced the Baba Yaga in her and had found the source of the unconscious programming that was keeping her stuck
I had moments when I felt high as a kite and free and empowered. Other moments were grim; disgusting, dark and revelatory. I came face to face with parts of my past and parts of myself that I had chosen to ignore for years. But I knew I had to confront the issues that arose and the people themselves and I succeeded in this, which was a shock!”
And it can even be fun doing so. This is what attracted me to drama in the first place and what has inspired me to develop the Sunflower Effect.
Discovering The Rainbow
One of the things I learned on my journey is that as nice as I might have appeared to the world, the one person I was not being very nice to was myself.
Because behind my MASK OF NICENESS, there was a full rainbow of colours. All kinds of colours. Vividly bright colours, dark and murky colours. Light colours and the full range of greys and beiges. But I wasn’t getting to express many of them. All that other people saw of my “colours” were the pale, insipid ones. And all I got to experience were the dull and dreary colours that were making me feel so awful.
But I have found that in all cases, it is the dark and murky colours that are the key to opening up the full array of rainbow colours. Have you ever seen such colours in the rainbow?
The rainbow exists because of the meeting of dark and light. When you have met the dark parts of yourself, these rainbow colours are going to shine through.
You will experience more joy and lightness, and people are going to want to be around you. Not just because you’re nice but because they are instinctively drawn to your colours.
I am rooting for you all the way. Below are some courses that will help you.
© Claire Schrader Revised 2025
Courses and Events
To help you say goodbye to being too nice
Introductory Evening
In this 2-hour taster evening, you will be discovering the keys to an authentic confidence based on Claire’s experiences of being a shy introvert. You will discover what really worked in getting her out of her shell and to stop being too nice.
Breakthrough Group
This is a course where you will be able to put niceness behind you, particularly if you are shy, self-conscious or anxious. Many people have come into this 12-week course to boost confidence absolutely frozen with fear and, by the end of the course, have completely put their fears and inhibitions behind them.
Express Yourself Confidence Workshop
In this inspiring one-day workshop, you will be exploring a story similar to the Vasalissa story working with the Sunflower Effect. An opportunity to find your authentic voice and express all the colours of the rainbow.
Breakthrough Plus
There’s a powerful link between confidence and self-esteem, and this is why it’s often so difficult to maintain confidence when you’ve had painful experiences in the past.
Join Breakthrough Plus, an intensive two-weekend course and dissolve the emotional baggage that is holding you back and keeping you in too nice behaviour
Stand Up For Yourself
Do you avoid conflict?
Learn how to hold your own with the challenging people at work or in your personal life. We will be teaching you vital and simple tools to resolve differences so you can communicate with them in a way that they will respect your point of view.
Runs once a year
From Wallflower to Sunflower
Or read my book, From Wallflower to Sunflower, the quiet person’s path to natural self-confidence.
Learn how the Sunflower Effect is the most effective way of building confidence if you are quiet shy or introverted.
Our mission
The Sunflower Effect Courses empower quiet, shy and introverted participants whose confidence has been damaged to believe they can create the life they want through uncovering and expressing their unique and authentic selves. See The Sunflower Manifesto
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For me also many years my niceness was a curse for me.Whatever situation you have faced some what similar is also faced by me.But still problem continues with me and am happy you get rid of this.But now everything will stop after reading your article i came across the reason as why such things happens with me.Thanks for sharing the article,it seems to be very helpful to me.I am book marking your site as this helps me to solve many of my problems with the help of your views and opinion.
Regards,
Jazz George
Yeah, I know it very well to be to nice.. People want everythime more and more – and they dont stop.. The feeling to make everything for other people is destroying a personality.. The most important thing I have learned in the last year, was to say “no!”. Thank you for this great article!
While you discussed the evils of being nice, when it came to stating what exactly needs to be done for a solution, you aren’t very clear. You are vague and verbose.
Please advise unambiguously what is your solution? What needs to be done? How one should act?
Please make it plain and clear.
Thanks Sanjay. I’m sorry your feel I’m being ambiguous. There’s only so much you can say in an article. The process is complex and its not something you can achieve reading an article. I do explain how in my book From Wallflower to Sunflower. Also you can read this information in my FAQ How does the Sunflower Effect build lasting confidence? Most people join my courses because this si where you’re going to get guaranteed results.
I have spent my life being too nice and trying to please other people and all it did was deny who I was and make me ill.
One day I just exploded and I have been exploding ever since.
I really relate to this article and I have participated in many of Claire’s workshops but I do feel there is a huge part of me that still likes to be nice and it is driving me mad!
So until the next workshop Claire!
Hi Lela Thanks for this. I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself. There’s a part of me that likes to be nice too! It really is OK. Perhaps you can begin to like that part and see if there are ways that you can use it to empower yourself. A message delivered with love and caring – and dare I say it that is also “nice” – so long as it is authentic and genuinely felt – can land softer with another person and can be twice as effective as a reactive response – which is anyway triggered by other hurts. See this article in which when I though I was being nice and ineffective, I was actually being very effective! I hope to see you very soon!!!
https://www.makingmoves.net/2013/03/speaking-with-confidence/
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