This article written by Nana describes how she discovered the freedom to be bad without being bad through acting out a character from an ancient Hindu myth – and in doing so found the freedom to be herself and to become more authentic in her life.
Healing through Poison
When I went along to Claire’s creativity group earlier in the year, I found a force to play with that was not what I was expecting.
At the time I was feeling unsettled and stressed and overwhelmed looking for a new home. Claire read a Krishna story which contained a potentially very positive poison, though not obvious.
“I want to be the Goddess of Misfortune”
In the story, the sea is churning because the Gods and Demons are fighting. The Goddess of Misfortune, Jyestha, arises from the black, putrid oil and tries to mess things up for the Gods.
Well in my rather heavy state, something started to wake up and wonder who I should be in this scene. A goodie?
NO! I want to be The Goddess of Misfortune! Is that a bad idea? Is there something deeply black in me? I felt rising excitement and mischief at the thought.
When I put on my funny black outfit and black hairpiece and hit my wooden sticks together, I felt a freedom rising up which was young, naughty, and natural. I wanted to dance and bounce.
Suddenly I felt more myself and in our ‘scene’ I interfered, manipulated, teased and at times barged my way to a result. Confidence did not seem to be an issue. But the main thing was I did not feel bad, nor did I upset anybody. I just felt alive and good.
Expressing emotions – Feeling Alive and Good
The next week we had a slightly different story – but I could not help being the GOM again. Then I started to look forward to being the GOM. She seemed to become part of the family, and her energy kept revealing more and more to me. I found she was sexy too. More than anything her spirit was somehow clean and direct, although playful. I felt unhampered.
The GOM showed me something about being amoral. ‘Bad’ revealed itself to be a word which had sneakily tainted my view of myself. And I always thought I was quite ‘loose’. ‘Good’ seemed like it could be fierce, not cosy.
I often came away from sessions feeling fresh and relaxed. Assumed concepts seemed to unravel in me. Self-judgment moved over, though I could see where it had been.
Discovering more of what I WANT
Since that time I have started to discover more of what I want and be honest about my gut feelings. There have been creative stirrings in new directions. There’s also a connection to my spiritual life which has been opening up and tapping into a certain peace and awareness.
I’m not so prepared to put up with dissatisfactions in my creative and work life and have said ‘no’ more. The GOM’s medicine led to something really quite healing and certainly freeing.
Published in Making Moves Newsletter Summer 2005