Participant Story: I want to be an actress

Want to be an actress, performer or movie star?

The inspiring story of a woman’s discovery that her craving to be an actress was a secret longing for her “real me” to be seen, heard and witnessed. This article written by Maria describes how she discovered how to be a star in her own life.

Being prepared to SHINE

Ever since I can remember, there were two things I thought I wanted to be: a princess and a movie star. I’ve also had a lifelong interest in the healing arts (around age 10 when I first started dabbling) and, originally from my studying days, a particular interest in archetypes.

Taking part in the Ritual Theatre Group (RTG), and other workshops run by Claire Schrader, allowed me to explore these secret dreams/yearnings/callings in a safe and holistic way with themes that made sense to me.

Powerful Shifts

Sometimes a session could be quite intense, and then the immediate changes gentle. Sometimes the session was light, and the changes more dramatic. Always there was a shift at the time.

However, it’s well over a year on from my taking part in Claire’s workshops (which I did over twelve months or more), and I am still experiencing powerful shifts creatively, professionally, personally & even geographically!

The yearning to become an actress particularly plagued me. This was one of my main motivations for doing the RTG, which took place over nine months and was the first workshop of Claire’s that I participated in.

This “but-I-want-to-be-an-actress” mantra became a major stumbling block. It had been with me for a long time, like a broken record. It was preventing me from moving forward in all areas of my life, not the least creatively and with that, the activity many of us call work.

Determination finally kicked in after years of procrastination, frustration and regret. Either I would become an actress or I would discover what was on the other side of this yearning.

Acting my socks off

In the workshops, I got the chance to (as Claire said on the phone when I first made contact) act my socks off in an environment with boundaries. I got in touch with my inner diva in a safe way.

At the same time, through acting classes and auditions, I explored the possibility of acting as a profession. Here was the deal I gave myself. To get the dream (which already years ago had become a demon) out of my system once and for all, whatever the outcome.

At long last, I got the answer. Forget about the fancy lights and the false trail to stardom. I can, if I really dare to (think of Dorothy singing in her red sparkly slippers), be the star of my very own film, titled: my life. Not only that, I can be the director and producer too.

Being the star in the film of my life….

Knowing what I want to do with my life

After years of languishing in a counterproductive “I don’t know what to do with my life” mode (because I was stuck on wanting to be an actress but until then hadn’t the courage to do anything about it), I now know what I want to do, and I’m well on my way to doing it…

Acting is still part of it, although only a part. And, for the time being, it’s more “acting as if” whilst harnessing the manifesting power of taking actions than acting per se. I’ve become a bit more humble. Also, it dawned on me that acting is not always safe.

Looking for the real ME to be SEEN

As someone who journeyed with me on the RTG commented to me when I told her of my revelation that it’d finally become apparent to me that acting was an old, outdated dream: “I think you made a lucky escape”.

The desire to become an actress was just a smokescreen. Behind it lay the yearning of my inner performer. That despite at times paradoxically wanting to hide, in my very own life, I wanted, needed, longed for the real me to be seen, for my truth to be witnessed, heard, understood, appreciated, valued. This is me, this is who I am, the dark and the light, and both are just perfect in their imperfection.

In one audition I attended the drama coach said that the trouble with actors is that they don”t want to act. Through exploring my inner performer I discovered that my inner princess no longer wished to be a princess – she’s a bit spoilt. After all that, she found it a rather boring prospect.

Cut, cut. New script. What if this princess was not a princess at all? What if she was in fact a goddess in charge of her own destiny? Hell, isn’t that a lot more interesting than hanging about in an ivory tower longing for prince charming to rescue me on his white charger?! (Incidentally, whilst I was waiting, they never did show up.)

Greek statue
Being a goddess in charge of her own destiny

This brings me to what was, for me, really underlying both of those archetypes, the princess and the diva. Sexuality. Through exploring these old, secret yearnings, I discovered that they were really disguising an even bigger truth for me. Blocked sexual energy.

What I really wanted was to be surrounded by people who love me, preferably unconditionally, and to find safe ways to fully explore and enjoy my sexuality and sensuality. Wouldn’t you?!

The work I was born to do

As soon as the journey with the RTG ended (in this case, an extensive exploration of the theatre of the inner self, another began. And, in a way, that is the real journey, as Claire so wisely reminded us all as we left on the last day.

Through the process of finally identifying and then attracting into my life those very things I most longed for, I began to discover my greatest gifts and real-life purpose. Or, if you will, the work I was born to do – which, for many years, I had also yearned to identify and begin.

There have been, and continue to be, many challenges along the way. But this is a small payment for the price of being truly alive.

Postscript. On some level, I believe we are all silently yearning to be swept away by our secret passions to a life we know is truly worth living. A life filled with excitement, adventure, fulfilment, and all we could wish for. A life that reflects our higher purpose and gives meaning to all that we do. Whatever point you are at in this life, get out your red sparkly slippers, take centre stage, and, if you dare, prepare to shine.


Please note: I no longer run the Ritual Theatre Group. However, almost any of my courses and workshops will give you an opportunity to have a similar experience – and find the bit in you that has the potential to shine.

Or read my Book: From Wallflower to Sunflower – the quiet person’s path to natural self-confidence

Poem written by Maria during the 9-weekend course

Creativity, come to me

Creativity, come to me
and set me free from this
so-called life that has
outgrown itself, set me free from
mediocrity and second-best…

Breathe fire into my heart and soul.
Spirit, bright burning, set
me free, set me alight
with the spark of inspiration.

Passion, come to me, kindle
desire in every fibre of
my being, the depths of my soul.

connect me to the inspiration
which has no source, no
beginning and no end, the
source of all sources

Free, free at last
freer than the wind
and the rushing waters
higher than the eagle soaring
and the mountain peak which
cannot be seen
wilder than the breaking waves
deeper than the deepest ocean,
You are my source, my very life
I am nothing without you

Keeper of the flame
Keeper, keep me alive to the
light of inspiration, creativity,
passion and lust for life
rooted in earth, grounded

Spirit soaring high
come, softly whisper in my ear
what you would have me do
which way you would have me go
what inspiration you would leave me with.

Destroyer, destroy the dead fibre of my soul
and uplift me to new heights
the which I have not seen, not even in my dreams

(Carry me home to myself,
conjure the impossible
before my eyes)
and let Peace, like cool rain of tiny shiny stars
fall softly over me.

Death is but a death,
it is nothing at all…
the body dies, and so
the spirit flies.

Spirit change me
show me the person I was born to be,
breathe in me the
fire of inspiration
clear light of being
pure light of inspiration
eternal flame of becoming
become a beacon in my darkness.
© M.R. (Editor)

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