How to stop comparing yourself to other people

This was my experience on a regular basis, and I was unaware of how much I was dis-empowering myself – and undermining any chance of being heard by others. In fact, I was so used to not being heard, that now I had the opportunity to be heard, I was sabotaging my opportunities. I was acutely uncomfortable with all the attention that was now focused on me.

And this was painful.

I may have moved a giant step forward – I now had the courage to speak up – but I was still not allowing myself to be heard.

This plagued me for many years.

The Smokescreen

Looking back on it now, I realise that my admiration for Annabel and women like her meant I was putting up a smokescreen between me and the world. I was fixated on the fact that I believed that Annabel was the-way-to-be and I was constantly finding myself lacking.

The image of Annabel was always in front of my eyes and standing between me and the world – so no wonder people had difficulty in both seeing and hearing me.  And I was so busily engaged in maintaining the smokescreen so they couldn’t hear or see me, that no wonder all they could see was a blurrrr!

In fact, I had disappeared. While I was putting all this attention on Annabel, all that others would have seen – if they had really looked – was the smokescreen of Annabel or my fantasy of what Annabel was. They couldn’t possibly see me.

And the only person that doing all this was me. And I was masterful at it. I was staging a war against myself that was keeping me in hiding.

If I had put the same amount of energy into being heard, as I was putting into not-being-heard, my voice would be a megaphone blasting from the rooftops!

Being A “Not”

And the truth was while I was putting in all this effort beating myself up for not being Annabel, I couldn’t be me. And if I wasn’t being me, who was I being? I was being a “NOT ANNABEL” – and it is very difficult being a “NOT”. Believe me.

Do you see how I was driving myself crazy?

So if you feel if in any way, comparing yourself to another person, wishing you had skills and talents that you don’t have, I suggest that you… STOP.

And notice what happen when you stop comparing yourself to others.

You may notice it feels VERY QUIET. It may feel uncomfortably quiet without all those voices in your head chattering away. But after a while, you may observe how relaxed and peaceful you are – and how good that feels.

And the reason that you may be finding it so hard, maybe, is because you were brought up in a very critical environment where the adults around you believed that criticism would enable you to change undesirable habits and behaviours.

In fact, this rarely works. Instead, it will have the opposite effect. It will be almost impossible for you to improve and develop in the areas you want to. You will just become very good at criticising yourself. Because that’s what the critics in your life have taught you to do.

You will find yourself in a vicious circle where you are constantly beating yourself up. Because you can’t make progress in the areas of life where you want to. You will just feel very stuck and you won’t know why.

Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

I don’t often like working in negatives. But this is a case that if I see someone is heavily comparing themselves to others at the detriment to themselves, I will ask them to stop.

If you know this is you, pretend you have come to a no-entry sign and turn back right away.

And forgive yourself as it’s very natural to compare yourself to others. Particularly people that have exceptional talent. Instead, start appreciating your own positive qualities and talents – the things you are good at – no matter how unimportant they may seem to you.

See the talent, beauty and skill in the other person and admire them for it – but don’t compare yourself to them.

(Hang on – because I’ve got an exercise at the end of this article that will help you use your admiration for people like Annabel for YOUR BENEFIT.)

Being Seen

When you stop comparing yourself to others, wishing or pretending to be like them, then you stand much more of a chance of being seen and heard by other people.

Because in doing this you have also removed the smokescreen that you have put between you and other people. And then people really can see you.

You will also find yourself with no other option than to live in the present. Present and aware of exactly what you want to communicate. It’s just a question of taking a deep breath and speaking from the heart. You will find that the right words will naturally come to you without you needing to plan what you’re going to say in advance.

I’m not saying this is easy, particularly if you have a lot of negative experiences in the past.  I’ve seen people who had considered themselves “complete lost causes” achieve this with relative ease.

When you remove the pressure from the need to conform to the expectations of others, then you will start feeling there is an awful lot more space around you. You will start to breathe more easily, and you will feel freer to be yourself.

What Happened To Annabel?

Funnily enough, Annabel kept on showing up in my life. I was never more surprised than when years later, Annabel started to seek me out more and more. She seemed to want to be my friend.

I discovered that as I got to know Annabel, that in reality, she was far less assured than I believed her to be. She was constantly asking me how I felt she was coming across. It seemed that not everybody liked her communication style – and some found her somewhat controlling and bossy. Annabel seemed to genuinely appreciate my honest opinion and suggestions as to how she could communicate in a gentler way.

This was a complete shock to me. And as Annabel opened up to me, I warmed to her and began to see her more as a human being.

She Aspired To Be More Like Me

Gradually I realised that Annabel was appreciative of my gentler and more diplomatic style and even would rather like to be MORE LIKE ME.

How could I have thought that her style was “the only way to be”? It was quite plain that there are many ways to communicate a message. And the authoritative style is just one way. Not everybody responds to the authoritative style and some people can have a negative reaction to it.

Speaking With Confidence

I wasn’t aware that over time quietly, steadily and surely, I had been developing my own communication style. It was a quiet confidence – a confidence that didn’t need to scream and shout from the rooftops.

I had built an authority that was as impressive as Annabel’s but in a different way. And gradually people had come to trust in me because I wasn’t trying to impress them or force anything on them. I was just speaking what was true for me. I wasn’t trying to ape anyone else. And this seemed to appeal to Annabel too.

Annabel had shown me how far I had come. And also that I could communicate my ideas just as effectively as she could. Now I am glad to say, I have no trouble with communicating my message to large groups of people.

And I have stopped of course wishing I was more like Annabel. I am quite happy to be myself just the way I am.

So I would like to suggest that the people that play a similar role in your life that Annabel did in mine are there to show you, qualities and gifts that live in you. And in time will come forth -if you continue to nurture them.

Instead of comparing yourself to others – try this exercise and see if you begin to see yourself differently.